Should Be
by buffyangelinfinitdesire
Summary: Kaylee should be, but River is.    Subtexty CSI


He is _yours_. There is no need for jealousy or doubt; there could never be a true threat to your claim. He can have his fun with sun, but she will never be his center. He will always orbit you. Twin black holes apart but never separate, waiting for the time when gravity gives them the excuse they need to join and be whole. Whole holes, a contradiction, an insult to the rules of language and science alike, but what _should be_ cannot change what _is_. You revolve around him as he revolves around you; you are his as he is yours. Plenty of laws and studies that say it should not be so, and yet it is.

The sun wants to use her shine as a weapon, to illuminate your flaws, as if he doesn't already know them by heart. For such a bright star, she can be so very dull. He loves you both senile and sane. Accepts the helpless little girl, the crazy assassin and the bratty little genius that sometimes pops up out of the fog, sees every bit of you as beautiful. Wants only to keep you safe and happy, does not seek to change or refine or use as a tool.

She does not understand that you give her meaning. The sun and the moon switch, and it is you that makes her shine for him. She is the sun, but you are _his_ sun _and_ his moon, and she will never be more than a neighboring star. Close, but never truly near. He does not, _cannot_, see her unless you will it so; he likes to watch her twinkle but does not require her to thrive.

You will let him stargaze, because it makes him happy, but you worry for him. She does not see him as he is. She looks at the one and sees two, doesn't see the package deal. Pain is not new to you, and there is nothing she could do that could even make you flinch, but it will hurt him if she tries. And she does get closer to attempting all the time. She wants only him, does not understand that he does not exist in a separate state from you. She is jealous, and she should be, for what she wants will never be hers. But if her jealousy hurts him, you will have to burn her up with it.

You are one with him, two chemicals joining on a molecular level to create a single substance. They see a compound and call it a mixture. If sanity is to look at something and see it and insanity is to see what isn't there and believe it, than they are much crazier than you are. They have their delusions and accept them as fact, never stopping to question the reality they create for themselves, never realizing that the concepts they base their actions on have no practical meaning.

They call him selfless, because they refuse to see with their eyes. You and he are one in the same, what he does for you he does for himself. He climbed up onto the pyre because if you went then so did he, they could not burn you without ending him. His body could continue to live, but there would be no more him if there were no more you.

There is separation. You are not him and he is not you, but you cannot exist separately. He loves you in a way that one cannot love themselves, the same way you love him. Duality and unity mixed to create something for which there is no name, no definition or precedent. Love of self, love of others, love of Simon, love of River; it is all the same, but it does make a difference. Things that should not be able to mix do so anyway, because particles do not listen to reason any more than feelings do. What should be does not necessarily have any connection to what is.

Jealousy and hurt and anger swarm into a dark cloud above your head, and it should matter. She is what should be, what nature dictates _must_ be. She is what should be, but you are what is and has been and will be. Love of family, love of lovers, love of self; it should be one thing, but it is all things. Things that should be separate join and things that should join remain separate.

Plenty of laws and studies that say it should not be so, and yet it is.

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><p><strong>AN: I'm not really sure about the ending, but I liked this too much as a whole not to post it. I would really love any feedback or concrit you could offer. I'm trying to get better at subtext, and what's more subtexty than the Tams? Also, River's just incredibly fun to write, lovable little crazy killer woman that she is.<strong>


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